Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
It was confusing and full of hummus
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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