Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
