On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
