oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
