I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
