textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It's blow job season.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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