She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
