The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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