My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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