I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
