someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize