if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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