Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
