absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
