Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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