the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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