Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
