Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
