i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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