I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
