Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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