I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Randomize
