dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
