And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
