i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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