did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
