Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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