It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
