Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
