I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
