Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
