You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
