Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
