just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
