he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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