How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
