I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
