i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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