my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
