when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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