Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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