The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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