well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
