Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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