I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
