I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
