hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
