Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
