I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
