I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
