So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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