Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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