I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
