I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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