My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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