I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
