Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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